The First of Many: On PG Holyfield

I started listening to Murder at Avedon Hill about 10 minutes after hearing PG Holyfield had died. I’ve been looking to write something for him for days but I didn’t find the words I wanted to say until I heard his intro to the first episode.

He starts off by describing it as a story in a small corner of the world of Caern and “the first of many… hopefully.” That sentence stays with me.

I met PG through the Balticon New Media program. He was a nice guy. I met him along with a whirlwind of other nice people and I kept meaning to get to know him better. I liked his hair. I keep mixing up his name with PC Haring’s. He welcome to the community as a fellow Patrick.

One of my favorite books of all time is Angry Candy. It’s a Harlan Ellison ragefest spewing venom at the grim reaper for stealing cool people from the world. That’s how I feel today. We’ve lost some cool people this year and today we lost PG. It wasn’t unexpected. It wasn’t the worst. He was surrounded by other awesome people and I hear he went out experiencing just how much he meant to people around him so that’s cool.

But he’s also gone. He won’t be there when Beyond The Wall does the Game of Thrones series finale. He won’t release another podcast novel unless there’s one hiding in the recesses of his harddrive. He won’t be there to get help when I “need advice from old timer” (his words, not mine). He won’t be at Balticon next year.

Last spring in preparation for Balticon we were planning out his schedule and he sent me a note that he was hoping to have something new to promote soon. Maybe a new stories. I don’t know what it was. I don’t know if he had gotten beyond that hopeful voice in a writer’s head that says “here’s some ideas you should put into words.” I just know that we don’t get more of him. 

It’s hard to speak when speechless. My thoughts are piecemeal and right now, mostly selfish. Death pisses me off.

I’m a little jealous of the love and support the communityshowed him in his last days. Being part of that community helps.

So I’m donating what I can spare into to the campaign to help with his daughters and medical bills because the only way to be a part of something is to be a part of it. You can join me here:

So I’m listening to Avedon Hill because he won’t release another. You can join me here:

So I’m searching through my email for an encouraging note he sent me when Iwas very depressed over convention drama that I remember but can’t find. It seemed vitally important to me that I have a quote from it in this and I can’t find it.

So I’m sitting here reminded that the reaper is coming for us all and we have a limited time to do the stuff we’re going to do. He didn’t get to do it all but he did a quite a bit and leaves behind a lot of himself in his friends and his work.

I was talking about PG to my friend Cathy at writing group today and regarding how much people care about each other, she said,  “Let’s just hope we don’t have to be dying to find out.” So I said to her “You mean something to me and you’re important. I’d feel sad if you suddenly died.”

So I guess the thing for me to do is get back to creating, get back to doing the things that ake people feel fufilled, and connect with more and remind them that PG existed and was cool. And let people know how I’d feel if they suddenly vanished.

I told Cathy first. She’ll be the first of many…. hopefully. 

One thought on “The First of Many: On PG Holyfield

  1. I think we all learned a very powerful lesson from P.G.’s passing, that we can’t wait until it’s too late to tell those we care about that we love them. I’m sure P.G. knew how much his friendship and guidance meant to be people, but unfortunately some never hear the words that P.G. heard from all of us. And I vow to not keep my feelings held inside from here on out because you never know if you’ll ever get another chance to speak to those you love.

    As I walk away from this painful day, and the ones before, I’m more aware of my own mortality and how fleeting life is. I look at my husband and realize how lucky I am to have his beautiful soul tied to mine. I look at my kids and see how truly blessed I am to have all of them in my life. I look at my parents and feel so lucky to have such wonderful role models.

    I see EVERYTHING in a new, clearer light. And I have P.G. to thank for that. I have P.G. to thank for more too. Unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to meet him in person but the contact I had with him online I won’t soon forget. He will most definitely be missed by us all.

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